Not Now Isn't So Bad

If you know me at all, you know that I hate waiting. Especially for something that I really, really want. Just ask anyone who has gotten me a birthday present and told me they got it before they would give it to me.....**cough cough SARAH cough cough** I can't handle it. I just can't. It's cruel and unusual torture to me. I hate waiting for the next step in life. I hate waiting for my next meal for that matter... I hate waiting for the summer. I hate waiting to get a new car. I hate waiting for friendships to be rebuilt. I. Hate. Waiting.

With that being said, God has a funny (kinda... not really comical to me...) way of making me learn to wait. When I was young, I was taught that God gave us one of three answers; "yes," "no," or "not now." The "yes" is the easy one, you get what you want. The "no" is harder, cause God knows you what's best for you, but you still don't get what you want. The "not now" is awful to me. It's not yes and it's not no. I would rather just be told "no" right away. Well lately it seems that the only answer I have been getting is the "not now." As you could imagine, that's hard for me.

My life is in some kind of transition phase. I'm technically still in college, but currently I'm working in the real world. But it's only temporary... It's hard for me to explain to other people and honestly hard for me to truly understand myself. Regardless of what this stage of my life is considered, it's a waiting period. I'm waiting to go back to school. I'm waiting for my career to start. I'm waiting for life to be normal (I don't even know what that means anymore). What God is slowly, and I mean SLOWLY, teaching me, is to enjoy it. He's showing me that waiting doesn't have to be awful. I can enjoy where I am right now. And I have a lot to enjoy to be honest!

I love where I'm living! Charlotte is a great city, but who I'm living with truly makes it the best. I love being able to live with my sister and her family. I enjoy getting to spend all that time with my nephews. Not even mentioning all the home cooked meals and rent-free. 

I have this crazy opportunity that most college kids couldn't even dream of! I'm getting a paid to learn more about my field. I get school credit. This internship is such a resume booster for me. PLUS I get to wear jeans and a t shirt to work all the time!

I don't have to worry about school work at the moment. (Besides a journal entry ever week that I honestly just make up as I go... shhh don't tell my teachers) I don't have any tests. No homework. I don't have to worry about getting good grades. As long as I don't get fired and I turn in my journal, I get an A. AND that means I will technically get all A's for the semester and a 4.0. Which will get me on the President's List. SO I have another resume booster there.

I am refreshing friendships... I chose my words wisely here because it's an unique situation. It's not that we were ever not friends. Or that we ever hated each other. We all had some moments (some longer than others) of anger, frustration, and even betrayal. And some major blowouts. BUT we are refreshing. We are making honest efforts to make our relationships what they used to be. It's not going to be exactly how it used to be right away, and we don't know if it ever will... but for now, we are refreshing. 

My life is good. No matter how many times I am convinced that it's not, it is. I have an amazing family who would support me in my dumbest moments. I have friends that are willing to work with me, even when I seem impossible. I have a boyfriend who loves me unconditionally, but isn't afraid to tell me when I'm being a drama queen. I have a job that is teaching me more than I ever thought it would. I love my major more than most college students. (I'm a little biased that it's the best major out there) And I am learning to trust God when He tells me "not now."

P.S. If you ever hear me say that my life sucks, feel free to hit me. 

"Passion" Can Turn Sinful

Throughout my life, I have learned that I am an extremely passionate person. I don't like to do anything halfway. Whatever I decide to do, I commit to it completely. I mean like ALL of my time to whatever is my current fad. (This is partially fueled by competitiveness and wanting to the best.)

For many years, I was passionate about sports. Every free minute I had was spent running, kicking the soccer ball around, or shooting baskets with my brothers. I would not stop practicing until I beat my personal record, started on whatever team I was on, or was captain of the team. And then I got injured. Not an "you'll be better in 6 week" injury. It was an injury that I am still dealing with and will have to for.... ever. God stopped me right in my tracks (literally) and made me realize that I had turn this passion into an idol. I had turned a completely innocent and harmless joy into a sinful distraction. 

After I was injured, I was not allowed to compete in sports for a while, so I started working. I started out at a restaurant where I did not fit in. It was a locally owned sports bar where I was the hostess. The only server who remembered my name was my sister and the other hostesses and I butt heads a lot. I thought for sure that I would not have a problem with this becoming an idol in my life. And then I switched jobs. I started working the Marriott's restaurant where it was much more classy and the staff and I just clicked. My job itself was rather boring, but I started to love the money it came with and the people I got to see at work. I started working a lot! I'm talking 6 days a week (I didn't work on Sundays or it probably would have been 7). Every day after school I would run home to change and head to the Marriott. I had friends start to call me a workaholic. And finally it clicked in my head, CRAP! Sure enough, I had made another innocent act into my sinful idol. 

Well, then I was off to college. I wouldn't be doing sports and I didn't have a job. I loved my major, but not enough to make it into my idol. I was absolutely positive that I was in the clear. And two years later, I am just now realizing what "passion" of mine has been turned into idols. It was not a physical act, it was not anything physical at all... It wasn't even certain people. It was a feeling, a comfort, really. It was friendships....

Being in a dorm setting, I was surrounded by people, "friends", literally, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. I dove into many different friendship head first, holding nothing back. I was sure (even after being warned) that these were true friendships that were gonna last as life time. I became obsessed with the idea of being so close to so many different girls. I spent all my time with them. When we weren't together, we were all texting and calling each other. I did not go a single day truly apart from them. Even through the summer, I visited many of them and made sure I talked to everyone at least once a week. I was so invested in these "friendships" I would have told anyone that asked that I was truly passionate about my friends, but the truth of the matter was, I had made friendships into my idol. 

I was relying on these friendships to make me happy. I was set of them bringing me joy when I should have been looking in a completely different place for that. Only once they failed me, did I realize that they are going to fail me sometimes. Because that's just what idols do. They are sinful and distracting. I'm not saying that friendships are wrong by any means! They can only be harmful if you put all your hopes into them and solely rely on them instead of God. 

The truth of the matter is, idols will not satisfy you! Maybe temporarily, but there will come a time when they disappoint. Not just in friendships, sports failed me when I was limited to no running. Idols will never fulfill whatever desire that you have. You may think that you are full, but one day, you will realize that you are very very empty in these idols, just like my friendships. 

Don't forget who brings you joy. Don't forget what truly satisfies you. And take an honest look at your "passions" and make sure that you aren't changing them into your idols, because they can be taken from innocent to sinful very quickly. Trust me. 

True Friendship

So this has been weighing down me heart lately. And by that, I mean like dragging, so heavy I can barely lift it, you get the point. Everyone (including myself) is so worried about having the most friends, the most people like them, the most Instagram likes, etc. that we forget what being a true friend means.

I wish I could go back to my sixth grade, weirdo self and convince me that it's not the quantity of friends you have, but the quality of those friends. I spent some many years chasing after popularity that I ended up ditching the friends that truly cared about me. After leaving high school, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let that be the case in college and well, I failed. I wish I could say that I would never do again, but that, too, is probably a lie. It, more than likely, will be a life struggle, but here I go. I'm going to try to not only be a better friend, but understand what friendships I truly need in my life.

A friend who I talk to every single day even though they are halfway across the world, a friend that truly cares about my well being, a friend who would do almost anything to make sure I'm happy, but also a friend that is there to be honest and ask the hard questions, THAT is a friend that I need. A friend who lives minutes away but I only hear from when they need something, a friend who my feelings are the last thing on their mind, a friend who treats me like something that is easily replaced, THAT is a friend that I don't need. I need to detox all my friendships and find the ones that I truly need in my life. 

But as I need to do that, I also need to try and be a better friend to those people. I need to be attentive to their lives and what they are going through. I need to start thinking of them before I think of myself. I need to start making more of an effort to keep that friendship up rather than letting them do all that work. 

A friendship is a two way road, both ends have to put in effort. It's not about who has known who the longest, but about who is always there, even in the bad times. It's not about how much you talk to each other, but how nothing has changed between the two of you when you do. You need friends in your life, you don't need a million different friendships that will just be there for you when it's convenient. Don't be the convenient friend to someone, be there for them just like you would want them to be there for you.

Okay, rant over.