maybe

It's interesting how life treats you some times. One day, you are as happy as you could be and then the next, you are down on your knees, begging for mercy.

It's been a long time since I've written. Mainly because I thought I had gotten it all together. Life was good again. Things were normal. But that's not true. When is life ever normal? What is normal for that matter? Is constant fighting and drama normal? Cause that normal sucks. 

When summer came, I felt free. I got this amazing job that I truly loved. All my friends and I were back on the right track and I was happy. I wish I could bottle that feeling up and safe it for times like these. I wish I could spread it out so that I would never have to feel like this. Never have to feel alone. I'm not sure why God throws these twists and turns at us, but if I know one thing, it's that I sure as hell need Him. 

Everyone always tell you that college is so amazing. But I don't know if I believe them. Sure, I've had fun and met my best friend and the love of my life here, but college kinda sucks. I'm surrounded by people who don't understand me, don't have the same values as me, and I'm suppose to be having "the best four years of my life" here? How? College is prepping me for a job after I get my degree, but how are the suppose to prep me if I have no freaking idea what I want to do with my life. Sure, my major is fun for the most part, but I'm not sure I can do this the rest of my life. I'm not good at school.

What is the purpose? What's the purpose of getting this degree that, truthfully, I'll probably only use for 5 years before I have kids? What's the purpose of trying to become friends with people that I literally have nothing in common with? What's the purpose of all this? Cause I honestly don't know anymore.

But you know, maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one who is making this so hard on me. Maybe I overthink every situation to where no joy comes out of it anymore. Maybe I push people away because I can't accept people with different believes and morals than me. Maybe I'm forcing myself to be alone. Maybe.