I Choose Joy

Lately I've been in a pretty dark place. I've been upset and mad at almost everyone I came in contact with. I've felt alone and betrayed. I'm away from school, away from my boyfriend. My best friend moved to London and it's more than likely a permanent move. I feel like I've lost almost all my friends, or at least found out which ones are true. My family is being tossed around like a roller coaster and I just don't know how much more I can take of it. 

I'm ready for normal again (whatever the hell that is). I so badly want these things to be like how they were a year ago. I long for the "good times" back to when my biggest concern of the week was what I was going to wear Friday night. I'm tired of feeling alone and heartbroken. 

BUT, it was okay that I needed time to be sad, I needed time to feel bad for myself, I needed time to cry. It was part of being true to myself, part of letting my real emotions show, and part of my coping process.

BUT, I'm done. I'm done feeling all alone in this big world, because the honest truth is, I'm not. I never was and I never will be. No matter how abandoned I feel at the moment, there is always the One who never leaves me. Man oh man am I thankful for that. 

He has a plan for everything. He has a plan for my friendships. He has a plan for my relationships. He has a plan for my family. And alas, He has a plan for me. 

So no more sulking about the bad in my life, it's just means I need to fill it with good. No more crying over things I can control, it just means I need to give it up to God. 

I choose joy.

I choose to be happy with what He has provided me and excited for what He has planned.

I choose to find the best in all situations.

I choose to give thanks for all that I have.

I choose to stay positive, even when it seems impossible.

I CHOOSE JOY

P.S. Sorry for those who I've been "bleh" to, especially Matthew, he always seems to get the worst of it. But thank you for being patient with me. 

Who's Your "Papa"?

So, I've been reading "The Shack" by William Young and even though I've read it about a million times before, it never fails to teach me something new each time. For those of you who haven't read it, I highly recommend it. AND if you don't want me to spoil half the book, you might want to go ahead and stop reading now.

The book is about a father who loses his daughter to a murder and is left with what he calls "The Great Sadness." He begins to question the existence and the purpose of God. He questions his whole "relationship" with Him. One day, he receives a note saying, "It's been a while. I've miss you. I'll be at the shack next weekend if you want to get together. -Papa." To give a little background; the shack was were they found the last trace of his daughter and determined that she had been murdered and Papa is what his wife calls God. Mack (the father) is so mad and confused, doesn't know if the note is from God, the murderer, or someone playing a sick joke on him, but he doesn't wait to find out and heads for the shack. At the shack, Mack has an amazing opportunity to meet God and start a REAL relationship with Him. 

What do you think of when you picture God in your head? Most, if not all, would probably say that He looks similar to an old gray grandpa. Mack even compares Him to Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings." Well, Mack is rightly surprised to see God as a big black lady named Elousia. The rest of the book is spent with Mack trying to understand more on God and realizes that he really had no idea.

This book has taught me some many things that I often I thought I knew the answer to, so I'll share some with you!

We are so fast to limit God, to say that He can only be THIS way, or THAT way. In reality, God can be however or whoever He wants. He can be an old grandpa to us, He can be a big black woman, or He could be a short Asian man. We SAY He is all powerful but we don't truly believe it or act as if it were true. 

We tend to blame God when something bad has happened to us. We cry out asking why He would let it happen to us. We often to think that God created bad as well as all the good, but that's not true. Bad is just simply the absence of good and ultimately, the absence of God. We choose to be apart from God and bad things happen.

We want God to fit into this perfect mold of forgiveness and this perfect mold of a stern God (only when we want revenge) and this perfect mold of whatever the hell we want. But WE ARE NOT GOD! We cannot make Him be whatever we "need" at that brief moment in our lives. 

Papa isn't always Gandalf, and He isn't always Elousia. Papa is who we need, not who we want.

Who do you make your "Papa" to be?

Our Guide to Holiness

Lately in my Life Group, we have been going through a book called "The Hole in Our Holiness" by Kevin Deyoung. It's all about how the church and christians are not only missing holiness, but always missing the strive for holiness. It's very convicting as you can imagine. 

Well last night's chapter was called "Reason for Redemption," which explained that we weren't just saved to glorify God or because He loved us (which are also true), we were saved to become holy, like Him. Now that's extremely convicting! So many of us, including myself, are so quick to become lazy in our walks just because we know we have God's grace. We tell ourselves that we don't really need to do anything because we are already forgiven. And it is such a reality shock that that is just not the case! 

One verse that Deyoung used in this chapter that really got to me was Hebrews 12:14: "Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord." (NIV) Oh man! That's scary stuff right there! "Without which no one will see the Lord." Holy Canoli! Without holiness and the strive to become more like Jesus, no one gets to the Lord. 

This makes you take a look at your own life and really think to yourself, "Do I have this drive? Am I gonna be enough?" And the fact of the matter is, NO, you alone are not holy enough to be with God. But when we were asked last night how this made us feel, I was at peace.

It was so very weird and it took me a while to figure out why this wasn't bothersome to me, but I figured it out. I was/am at peace because I know that I don't have to do this on my own. If this was a journey that I had to take on my own, I would be royally screwed. But God does not make us go through this on my own. Yes, it is still going to be hard. And yes, we are going to have to fight daily for our journey to holiness. But we have a guide who has already made it to the goal. In fact, He has always been the goal. 

So no, I'm not worried. I know where I will be in the end. No, this does not give me the right to be lazy and not work towards it. But this does mean that I am not alone. 

Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed. for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (NIV)

True Friendship

So this has been weighing down me heart lately. And by that, I mean like dragging, so heavy I can barely lift it, you get the point. Everyone (including myself) is so worried about having the most friends, the most people like them, the most Instagram likes, etc. that we forget what being a true friend means.

I wish I could go back to my sixth grade, weirdo self and convince me that it's not the quantity of friends you have, but the quality of those friends. I spent some many years chasing after popularity that I ended up ditching the friends that truly cared about me. After leaving high school, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let that be the case in college and well, I failed. I wish I could say that I would never do again, but that, too, is probably a lie. It, more than likely, will be a life struggle, but here I go. I'm going to try to not only be a better friend, but understand what friendships I truly need in my life.

A friend who I talk to every single day even though they are halfway across the world, a friend that truly cares about my well being, a friend who would do almost anything to make sure I'm happy, but also a friend that is there to be honest and ask the hard questions, THAT is a friend that I need. A friend who lives minutes away but I only hear from when they need something, a friend who my feelings are the last thing on their mind, a friend who treats me like something that is easily replaced, THAT is a friend that I don't need. I need to detox all my friendships and find the ones that I truly need in my life. 

But as I need to do that, I also need to try and be a better friend to those people. I need to be attentive to their lives and what they are going through. I need to start thinking of them before I think of myself. I need to start making more of an effort to keep that friendship up rather than letting them do all that work. 

A friendship is a two way road, both ends have to put in effort. It's not about who has known who the longest, but about who is always there, even in the bad times. It's not about how much you talk to each other, but how nothing has changed between the two of you when you do. You need friends in your life, you don't need a million different friendships that will just be there for you when it's convenient. Don't be the convenient friend to someone, be there for them just like you would want them to be there for you.

Okay, rant over.

Home is.... Where?

I'm ready to be home.

I'm sure this doesn't surprise many people. Everyone is ready to go home after a long day at school or work. After all, I'm such a home-body. Sure I like to be social, (like once a week haha) but my happy place is curled up on the couch, watching Netflix. But the past couple of years, I haven't felt at home. 

Before moving to Clemson, my biggest move was across the house. I had lived in the same house for 18 years and now I was about to pack it all up and move into a tiny room with a girl I barely knew. My dorm never really felt like home, I always felt as if it were just temporary housing because I knew I was moving out at the end of the year. Then I spent the summer back at my parent's house where I had spent my whole life and I was now living out of boxes. After that, I moved into my apartment with my best friend and I was sure that was going to be my home, at least for a while. But by end of September, we knew we would be leaving in December. I spent a month back my parents and then moved up to Charlotte. Now, after not even two months, I'm moving AGAIN. It's only across town to my sister's house, but still. Even though all of these places I've called "home" for an amount of time, they haven't been mine. It was my parent's house, Clemson's dorm, my sister's house, etc. I am so ready for a place that I can call mine. 

I know that this is just the stage of life that I'm in and that home is not a place but a feeling, but I can't help but feel that everything is temporary. I'm ready for the next stage. I'm ready to have my own home. I'm ready to decorate it how I want and do what I want in it. I'm ready to have the comfort that I am going to be there for a while. It's hard when most of my siblings are already at this stage and I know that it's going to be at least a couple more years till I get there, but I'm ready.

Some people would be so excited to not be tied down and to be able to, really, up and move or make a dramatic change whenever you want, but I've never been that way. I've been the type of person who isn't huge on change. I can handle it, but I would prefer things to stay the same. I have always loved commitment and having a routine. The adventure of college and my internship is all still so new to me, and while I'm enjoying the ride, I'm ready to have a permanent. 

One thing that I find comfortable in is that I can always have a home in the Word. No matter where my physical body is living, my spiritual one is in the same place. God doesn't make me move anywhere, He wants me right there beside Him. He's my norm, my happy place, my routine in the midst of life's chaotic events.

While I am still determining my earthly home, I am so thankful for the certainty of my eternal home. I am a planner and I hate surprises. I like to know things, every thing if I could! I like to mentally, and sometimes physically, prepare myself for what's ahead. Not knowing what a new school, a new job, a new roommate, or a new situation is going to be like gives me anxiety just thinking about it. So, the fact that people can go through life without knowing where they are going to spend eternity just baffles me! 

Not only do I know where I will be, I know how AMAZING it will be. It's not some tiny little dorm room or a crappy little apartment where the drain never works, it is magnificent and beautiful. But most of all, it is with the most loving and gracious God. 

Don't be discouraged if you don't know where you belong here on earth, cause the truth of the matter is, you don't! You belong in heaven with the Almighty One! 

The True American Heroes

So if you have been watching the Olympics at all, you probably have heard of this guy (in the picture below) already. His name is TJ Oshie and he plays for the USA men's hockey team. 

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In the game against our rivals, if you will, Russia, Oshie took the team into overtime where there was what I call a shoot out. (Just to let you know, I am not a fan of hockey and haven't ever watched a full game, so sorry if my terminology is not accurate!) So from what I understand, in the Olympic games overtime, they start out with three tries each team and each team gets to pick three different players to shoot. Well since we tied in that as well, they went on to basically a head-to-head shoot out where each team got to shoot and if one made it, the other team had to as well or that game is over. AND any player can shoot how ever many times they choose. So, the USA chose TJ Oshie to shoot ALL of their shots and it went into 8 rounds of shooting until he finally defeated the Russian team! It was pretty intense and I can only imagine what kind of pressure he was feeling! GO USA! haha but anyways....

After the game, Oshie was interviewed by Dejan Kovacevic, a sports columnist. Kovacevic asked Oshie how he felt about being hailed as a "hero" from his fans. His answer to this question took my breath away! He told the interviewer, "The American heroes are wearing camo. That's not me."

Wow oh wow!!! Newest fan here!!! I am a firm believer in giving credit where it is due, and Oshie deserves a gold medal (hopefully he'll get one!), but I feel like so often we are so quick to label athletes as heroes when we forget what a hero really is. A hero is defined as "a person who is admired for brave acts." What Oshie did was amazing and pretty cool, but I wouldn't define it as brave in any means! I am so glad a player in the spot light not only realized, but also proclaimed who the real American heroes are! 

Americans are so quick to praise our military men on "their holidays;" such as 4th of July or Veteran's Day, but we tend to forget that they are working every single day for our freedom. With a brother-in-law in the army, I am pretty aware of the long days of preparation, month long trainings in the desserts, and 6-12 month deployments and for what? Their purpose is to protect you, protect your family, your loved ones, and ultimately, this country. They put their life on the line so that you can live yours without being in constant fear! 

So thank you! Thank you military men for sacrificing for this country and for me. Thank you for doing the bravest act. And thank you for being the real American heroes! And thank you TJ Oshie for remembering who the real heroes are!

A special thank you to my brother-in-law, AJ, mainly for putting up with my sister ;), but also for what you do every single day! P.S. we are so glad you are back safely in the country! Love you!

So everyone, don't ever stop thanking our military men, not just on "their holidays," but everyday. Because frankly, they don't just protect you on those days, they protect you everyday. 

THANK YOU! 

GO USA! 

P.S. I'm using "men" as a general term, but this also goes out for to those ladies out there in the military!!

Happy Monthiversary Blog!

So I missed the actual date because of being out of town, BUT here's to a month old blog!!

I never would have thought I would love doing this as much as I do! After a month of just letting my thoughts, feelings, and emotions out on this thing, I could not be happier with it! 

I know not a ton of people actually read this thing, but that is perfectly alright with me! I've said from the beginning that this is for me and I would tell absolutely anyone who asked that I highly recommend it. It doesn't have to be a blog, just try writing down your thoughts or feelings, it helps me figure it all out. It's refreshing to have a healthy place to vent even if I don't get responses. 

To the people who actually do read this, Thank you! Thank you for the support I have received from friends and family! Y'all have showered me with compliments, encouraging texts, and comments telling me they love reading! Thank you for letting me poor out my heart. Thank you for letting me cry through my blog. Thank you for letting me rant about whatever is on my mind. 

Also, thank you blog for always being there. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for listening to my crazy thoughts and pointless arguments. 

Here's to many more months on this baby! 
HAPPY MONTHIVERSARY!

P.S. I am always open to suggests about what to write about, how to improve my blog, or title changes! 

Cry Your Heart Out

I have decided that it is completely okay and healthy to cry. Like all the time. For those of you who know me pretty well, you know that I cry at pretty much a drop of a pen. Oh, and if someone else starts crying, forget about it, I am done for. I think the worst is when I over think a situation in my head and compose this ridiculous scenario so that when I start crying, I can't even explain to anyone why I am. *Sigh* BUT, I have decide it's alright to cry. 

There are many different types of crying; sad tears, happy tears, angry tears, confused tears, and the list goes on and on. It's hard to tell the difference between the tears sometimes, but a lot of the times, it's just healthy to let them out. 

For some reason, crying has been deemed "weak" by society and I just don't agree with that. I feel like crying shows you have passion for something. If you're not passionate about anything, you have nothing to cry about. If you don't have any love, you have nothing to cry about. Why is everyone told "don't cry?" Why is nobody told to "just let it all out" anymore? I feel like everyone thinks that they have to be strong, can't show their weaknesses to anyone anymore, which is just sad. I understand that there is a time and a place to cry (apparently work isn't one of them- oops!), but why is everyone so afraid to cry these days? 

This weekend took a toll on my family. As we said goodbye to our two sweet little girls, we were promised "see you later." While that was extremely encouraging, it did not stop the flood works. As my sister and I had make-up streaming down our faces, my brother-in-law prayed for the girls and their hearts. Once we were done, my sweet nephew asked why we were so sad, well here comes the tears again! My sister tried to explain to him that we loved the girls and didn't want to say goodbye to them. I had to sit there for a second and really think about why I was crying. I always knew this day would come where I would have to say goodbye.... why is this so upsetting to me? I came to the conclusion that it was because I loved these girls from the bottom of my heart. My heart was truly being broken by saying goodbye to them, but like all broken hearts, mine will heal with time. BUT in the mean time, it's okay to cry about it. I miss the girls dearly already and it's alright to show that emotion. 

Another time where you will always find me crying is weddings. Out of my five other siblings, four of them are already married. And I cried at three of their weddings. (DISCLAIMER: the only reason I didn't cry at the fourth one is because it was a small, five minute ceremony in my parents living room with only family and closest friends) These were 100% tears of joy and nothing less. Watching my siblings find the people that make them happiest in the world and committing the rest of their lives to each other brings me pure joy. Some of them only knowing their now spouse for a few months at the time and some being together for years, I cry at just the thought of how happy they make each other. Now for those of you that don't know, I am a hopeless romantic. Now let's not get this confused, I, myself, am not romantic in my relationships, I like lounging around in sweats and just being with each other. BUT I love watching people fall head over heels in love with each other, even if it's just in movies. I blame my mom for this one. She has been a wedding director since before I was born and I have been her assistant since about middle school and I love every minute of it. I would WAY rather be in the background of a wedding than sitting in the ceremony. My mom and I get to hear the last words a father says to his daughter before he walks her down the isle and we have to perfect view of a groom the first moments that he sees his bride. AND without fail, my mom is in tears almost every time those church doors open and the bridal processional begins. So, mom, it's all your fault that I'm a wedding crier. 

Crying helps me process my emotions. It helps me to take a few minutes to understand what I'm really feeling at that moment in time. It helps me work out my frustrations and gather my feelings before I explode. If I had to hold it in every time I needed to cry, I would end up exploding at the first person who crossed my path slightly out of step, which would not be good! So, next time you see someone crying, don't assume that they are weak. They have to be strong enough to let themselves cry, let their emotions out and frankly, not take it out on you. 

So CRY! Be okay with crying when you need to cry. Don't feel as if you need to hide that fact that you are crying. These are your emotions, passions, and your heart coming out! It's okay to let them show! You are not weak because of these things, but you are human! 

Life's Not Fair

Here's a phrase that I've only heard about a million times....

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Life's not always fair, but God is, even when we don't deserve it.

I'm sure you grew up complaining to your parents that "Johnny" down the street got to do something and it's not fair that you don't or that "Sue" got the new toy and you want it too and they would come back with the classic line of "Well sweetie, life's not fair" and if they're extra nice they'd add in a sweet "get over it." Man, I cannot tell you how many times that conversation sent me off in a cloud of rage! Everything should be fair! Everyone should be treated equally, we all should get the same opportunities and nobody should have more of an advantage in life than another. Well, that's certainly not how life works, but thankfully, that's how God works.

In Romans 10:13 God clearly states, "for, Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved" (NIV). Now this is what I'm talking about! He doesn't say "for the smart people who call" or "for the pretty people who call," He says "for EVERYONE who calls." God wants to have a relationship with everyone, not just the popular people or the successful people or the people who "need" Him more. He gives everyone a fair chance to be saved. 

So, no, it's not fair that your boss didn't give you that promotion you deserved. It's not fair that your friends aren't treating you right. It's not fair that you work your butt off to only get mediocre grades. It's not fair that your loved ones are sick. It's not fair that the "love of your life" broke your heart. But what's really not fair is that God gave up His perfect son to die for our sins. 

We all know that one bible verse we recited over and over again when we were younger, but probably not many of us really took a look a what it was saying. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" (NIV). Let's take a second to think about this. Think about if you were in this position. Think about your son, daughter, nephew, niece, that cute little kid you babysit, whoever. Now think if someone were to offer you a million dollars in exchange for them, would you do it? Absolutely not! Not even a million dollars could buy you the happiness that they have brought into your life. Now think about this question. Would you let them die in exchange for saving millions of people's lives? Who would ask such a question?!? That's so unfair, but that's what God did for us. 

So yeah, your life is unfair, but for a different reason. We constantly disobey God's commandments, yet He forgives us over and over again. We are constantly putting Him on the back burner of our lives, yet He is right there whenever we need Him. We treat Him like an extra in our life when He should be the headliner, yet He loves us the same. So if you want to talk about unfair, talk about how unfairly amazing God is to us, how unfairly generous, and unfairly loving He is. 

So let's think about how our lives would be different if God gave us what we truly deserved... YIKES! I can pretty much assure you that it would not be pretty. Nobody would be spending eternity in heaven with God, that's for sure. So take a moment and remember every day to be thankful that even though God is a fair God, He is also a merciful one. 

Does All Really Mean ALL?

I have come to an outstanding realization.... y'all ready?!?

I cannot do it.

Simple as that. There is no way, shape, or form that I am able to get through life on my own. Not that I didn't know this before, but I have realized that this has to do with EVERY aspect of my life. I can't get through school on my own, I can't get through work on my own, relationships, friendships, I can't do anything on my own. And this does not just apply to me! Hate to break it to you, but you cannot do it either. I know I know, you're probably the smartest, strongest, blah, blah, blah, sorry, NO! 

Alright, so since we all know that we cannot do it alone, why do we continue to try? Well, my theory is that we are all just too stubborn, or maybe that's just me. ;) Maybe we're prideful, it's like a man who won't ask for directions even though he is clearly lost. Or maybe we feel like we have something to prove. So many people have told us that we can't and by all means, we're gonna do it! Honestly, I hate to be the one to burst your bubble or shot your pride, but it cannot be done. 

So all this talk about how we can't, here's how we CAN get through life. The only way is to give it all, and I mean ALL, to the Lord our Savior. I know we teach our children that they can do anything that they set their minds to, but we should be teaching them Philippians 4:13; "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." It doesn't say, "I can do all things if I really try hard, or if I am determined." We have to have God with us in all areas of our lives. I have had trouble lately with that word "all." Sure, it's easy to give Him our church life, maybe even our family life, but when He wants our school life or our relationship life, YIKES! We try so hard to keep it separate, thinking "this has nothing to do with that," but that's just wrong. We serve a God that created all things good and you don't think He has anything to do with Clemson University? That's one of the greatest goods He created!! Obviously, I'm kidding, kinda, but you get my point. Every part of our life has to do with Him. He created everything, our purpose here on earth is to glorify Him, so how could we separate Him from other aspects of our lives? And why do we try?

What I believe we fail to remember is that God is a god of mercy and forgiveness. Yes, obviously, He hates when we sin, but He still loves us the same. Even though every aspect of our lives may not be perfect, He wants ALL of it; the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know, easier said than done. It's something that you're going to have to work on probably for the rest of your life, but it is worth it, I promise. God has promised us that He will cover up all of our sins, but how can He do that if we don't give them to Him? It sounds so easy, but every time something happens we tend to run and tell our best friends rather than God. Why do we do that? Some might say just cause of convenience, but that's just not true either. 

Praying is the most convenient thing ever! You can pray absolutely wherever you are, whenever, and honestly, you don't even have to close your eyes. So why don't we do it as often as we should? After all, God calls us to be in constant prayer with Him. One of the main things I struggle with about prayer is I feel like everything I say has to be planned and well thought out. I have always viewed prayer as very formal; you start with "Dear God" and end with "Amen," but it does not always have to be like that. We tell little kids to talk to God like you are talking to a friend, but I promise I don't talk my best friend with "Dear Sarah" and "Amen." And yes, of course there is a time and a place for formal prayer, but your daily life does not have to be it. 

Another thing I struggle with is what all I should pray about.... Here's a simple answer: EVERYTHING! There are the obvious prayer request like "help grandma get rid of her cancer" or "help me to become a nicer person," but God wants you to ask for even the little things. We so often think that God doesn't want anything to do with our little problems such as a fight with a friend or car problems, but He cares about every aspect of your life. Not only do we need to pray for help, we always need to pray and thank Him. Thank Him for the big things He has done like die for our sins and for the small things like letting us have a safe trip. Another thing we are called to pray about, which I think people (including myself) struggle with the most, is confession and forgiveness. There are so many things that we do during the day that dissatisfies God that by the time we lay our head down out night, a book could be written about it. I believe this one is the hardest because it is admitting that we are not perfect. Actually, we are far, far, far from it! Once again, God is a forgiving God, but we have to ask for forgiveness in order for it to be given to us. 

So how do you think your life would be different if you let God be apart of every aspect of it? Do you think you would become a happier person? I do. I think letting God into your deepest, darkest corners will allow your life to be lighter and brighter. You don't have to carry the burden of your sins, He's already done that for you on the cross. He already knows how horrible and messed up we are, but He loves us still. There are very few people in the world that I can say confidently that they would love me no matter what I did to them. We have done the worst thing possible to God and He showers us with love. That, right there, is a God that I want to in control of my life, EVERY part of my life. So to answers the question: YES, all really means all! 

So pray. Pray that I would be willing to give everything to Him. Pray that you would be able to do that same. Pray that we all would be comforted it the fact that even though we cannot, He can.