One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Sorry for taking so long to post again.... Life took over!

Over the past week, I've been running around nonstop and this is the first time I feel like I've been able to just breathe.... 

Last week, I spent a few days during the work week in Clemson interviewing potential interns, which was weird! But the trip itself was a nice break from the normal work week and I learned a lot about future interviews I'll have to have. 

My mom came up for a couple of day this weekend and it was great to spend time with her and not do much of anything.

And now it's Monday. I was very late for work. It's been raining all day. Traffic was hell this morning because of the three different wrecks I passed. But hey, at least I remembered to wear green today! Happy St. Patty's Day!

The past couple of days, I feel like I've been knocked back instead of my forward pursuit of joy.

UGH! How frustrating it is! Why do I do this to myself? I think WAYYY too much. And I don't think it's helping that everyone's on spring break and I'm stuck at the office.

Lately, I feel like no matter how hard I try to move past this, life knocks me back down again. I keep trying to push on and defeat this demon, but I just can't.

This afternoon I got the most beautiful advice. It wasn't telling me to push forward, it wasn't telling me to get back on my horse, it wasn't anything like that.... It was this: 

"I’d just encourage you to keep sitting with that struggle…look it in the face and see what’s underneath it and what it’s trying to tell you, what God may have tucked away inside. Sometimes that takes forever to finally discover…but when we hold out and finally do, it’s just the most beautiful thing."

Thank you again and again and again for this advice. I am determined to figure out what God is trying to tell me and what He has planned for me. 

I'm trying to prepare myself for the fact that His plan may not be anything close to what mine is. I know that He knows best.. I KNOW that... but sometimes it's hard to TRUST in that. 

I've spent many nights crying out to God, begging Him to show me what his plan is, but now it's His turn to talk and my turn to listen. I'm great at talking to Him, not so fantastic at waiting for His answer or listening to Him. 

I may not get His answer right away, but that's alright. After all, everything is in His timing, right? And it may not be exactly what I want to hear, but I'm not God, am I? 

So, if I happen to come across your mind this week, please pray for me. Pray I will continue to seek God's help, but also pray I would shut up and listen to what He has to say. Pray that whatever His answer is, I will find peace in and know that He knows best. Pray that I will be able to look my demon straight in the face and find what God has tucked inside. 

Perfectly Peaceful Weekend

This weekend was simply wonderful. It was one of those weekends where you were not expecting much, but man it was amazing.

Friday at work felt like I was counting the seconds until 5pm rolled around. Finally get home and Matt shows up only 30 minutes later! We had subs with the kids, Christina, and Dan and just hung out till the kids were sent to bed. Then it was game on. The four of us sat at the kitchen table playing board games and card games and my favorite game (Spoons) until around midnight and until we were all officially EXHAUSTED! 

Saturday morning, I was woken to the sound of Batman cartoons and my cute little nephews sipping on their morning chocolate milk. My sister and I got up and went for our "run." This meant we walked around the neighborhood for a little over two miles, talking about everything haha. We came back and made coffee and cinnamon rolls... yummy!! I, then, recruited the help of my nephews to wake Matt up so we could go on our adventures for the day! After a quick shower, we loaded up the car and headed to lunch. We went to Zoe's Kitchen, where Dan had gotten coupons for free entrees and it was soooo good! Christina found a cute little children's museum in Rock Hill that the kids loved playing in for a few hours. We also tried to go to this "park" in this Indian reservation.... it didn't quite look like what it did online haha. So, instead we went on a little trail hike in a near by state park and found a playground there. Look how cute my boys are!

When we got back to the house we were all ready for a little nap! Matt and I headed to Taco Mac's for a dinner of wings and went to TCBY for some frozen yogurt after. We came back to the house to watch Duke beat up on UNC and it was a sweet victory to end the night ;). 

Sunday was by far my favorite! We were all a little thrown off by daylight savings but managed to get to church on time some how! After church, we had a delicious lunch of homemade lasagna and headed to hang out outside. We sat around with coffee in hand in mid-60s weather and it was perfect. Dan set up his Eno hammock which made for a great afternoon nap and the kids had a blast playing in the mud. Around 4pm, Matt headed back to Clemson and we got ready for a life group cookout. Before we headed out, the boys had a blast jumping in some leaves in the front yard. And check out this air that Luke got!

How can you not love this cutie pies?!? We headed over to a friend's house where the kids played in their HUGE backyard and the "adults" sat around just talking. It was so peaceful and easy-going! Not to mention, it stayed light outside until almost 8pm! One great thing about daylight savings!

This weekend was nothing special, but it was perfect to me. I got to spend time with the ones I love with no schedule constricting us. I was beautiful outside and so relaxing! PLUS, the first sign of spring! 

Monday morning hit me like a ton of bricks when I slept through my alarm and woke up an hour after I was suppose to! Oops!! But with Monday almost under behind me, this week looks to be fairly easy. Tonight I'm head to Clemson for a few days on a "business" trip with a coworker. (That makes me feel old.) Here's hoping the week will fly by so I can have another amazing weekend!

Now Is The Time

So I was driving home from work yesterday and I was talking to Matt on the phone (which is apparently a no-no in Charlotte... oops). We were planning out our next couple of weeks/weekends and figuring out when we were gonna see each other and who is gonna visit who when and all that good stuff when I realized, we have a busy schedule coming up!

While a packed schedule overwhelms a lot of people, it gets me really excited! I love having something to look forward to at the end of a long, hard week. For example, Matt is coming up to Charlotte this weekend, woooohoooo! AND I get the opportunity to go down to Clemson next week for a special graphics major day where I'll get to be on the other side of the interviewing process! And then in two weekends, Matt and I are meeting his parents in Raleigh for the NCAA tournament. (GO DUKE) And the next weekend, I'm headed to Edisto Island for a church women's retreat! I AM SO EXCITED! It's like four of my favorite things; Matt, Clemson, basketball, and the beach! 

Planning all of these fun adventures things or even just a chill weekend with Matt gives me something to look forward to when I'm sitting in my office cubicle, trying to convince myself that I don't have too much longer till 5pm, and that it's impossible to actually die of boredom (sometimes I believe myself, sometimes I don't). And I love being able to tell my coworkers at lunch that I have a big, exciting weekend planned. After all, I want them to know I have an extremely exciting life outside of work (HA yeah right). But while looking forward to all these things are great, I still need to remember my life in the present.

I am so quick jump forward to my future life; whether it's a weekend at the beach or when I'm married with kids. I always talk about how I'm so excited for the next phase of my life (I think that's cause I've always been the youngest). I love thinking about graduating college and getting a real job. OH, and don't even get me started on getting married (my Pinterest has my wedding planned out) and having kids. And while that's fine and dandy, I have a life right now. And I am living a pretty great one too! I go to the world's best college (maybe I'm a little bias). I actually enjoy doing my major every single day. I have this amazing opportunity to work with a company who is one of the world's leading design and printing company. I get a chance to live with my sister for the first time in over 10 years, which means I get to see my ADORABLE nephews every day. And even more than that, I get to meet my sister in a new way than I have before. I also get to spend tons of free time with friends and my boyfriend. I have all the freedom of being on my own with none of the responsibility. My life now is great!

SO, moral of the story is, I need to remember that while the future can be fun and exciting, I need to remember to be present in the now. Oh, I am just the worst at putting things off. I'll reconnect with that person when I need them in my life. I'll apologize to this person when they apologize to me. I'll pray more when I have more time. I'll become a member of my own church when I know I will be there for a while. "I'll do BLANK, when BLANK." I feel like that's all I say now. But the truth of it is, I don't have time. My life is today, this minute, right NOW.

If I'm not careful, this time in my life will slip away, never to be seen again. And if I'm not careful, I'm gonna miss out on the small, wonderful parts of my life that are going on all around me. When am I ever going to experience NOW again?!? (just in case you were wondering, the answer is never) I need to be present in my relationships NOW, not what it will be in the future. I need to be present in the Word NOW, not when I decide I have time for it or it's more convenient. I need to make the most of what I have NOW, not when I have just a little bit more. I need to be a great listener NOW. I need to be excited over the small things NOW. I need to love with all I have NOW. I need to live my life NOW.

After all, there's no other time like now! 

Why I'm Joyful

So since my last post was kinda dark and depressing, I figured I'd brighten this blog up a bit. This post will be all about what makes me joyful. and that's quite a lot!

I'll start with my family because if you know me, you know they are THE most important people in my life. And they are pretty awesome if I do say so myself.

First, there are my parents! My mom, who is my twin, has always been the listening ear that I need. My dad, who I get my humor and sarcasm from, has always been my teacher and my rescuer (mainly with my car haha). Needless to say, they have taught me to love hard and stand strong. 

High School Graduation 2012

Then there are my siblings! My best friends! I'm the youngest of six kids and I can honestly say I love each and every one of them, most of the time. ;)

Forever Ago ?

Next, my in-laws. The wonderful people my siblings fell in love with! The people who I have come to love as my own siblings!

The other Meredith (Scott's wife) and I

Brooke (Nick's wife) and I

Dan (Christina's husband) and I

AJ (Caroline's husband) who I don't have a pic with

And then there are my favorite little nephews and niece! The little ones in my life that make me so excited to have kids one days!

Luke (4), Bryce (1), and Mark (2)

Coan (almost 8 months)

Lucy (1)

I would be willing to debate that not another family could bring so much joy to another person than my family has brought to me. I love them with all my heart. Here's more pictures of my whole family, cause I just love 'em.

Missing AJ

Missing AJ, Dan, and Eric

Missing AJ

The Whole Clan! WOO

Then there is my boyfriend, who I've been with for over a year. He has loved me every second and has always been patience with me. He has taught me so many things and I wouldn't trade one second of our time together! 

Valentine's Day 2014

Next is my best friend. I met Sarah when I was a freshman in college and we lived together our Sophomore year. She has helped me become who I am today and I miss her dearly while she's in London or Dallas.

Fall 2014

Obviously, there are more people and things who bring me joy, but these are the ones that I wanted to share with you! 

I Choose Joy

Lately I've been in a pretty dark place. I've been upset and mad at almost everyone I came in contact with. I've felt alone and betrayed. I'm away from school, away from my boyfriend. My best friend moved to London and it's more than likely a permanent move. I feel like I've lost almost all my friends, or at least found out which ones are true. My family is being tossed around like a roller coaster and I just don't know how much more I can take of it. 

I'm ready for normal again (whatever the hell that is). I so badly want these things to be like how they were a year ago. I long for the "good times" back to when my biggest concern of the week was what I was going to wear Friday night. I'm tired of feeling alone and heartbroken. 

BUT, it was okay that I needed time to be sad, I needed time to feel bad for myself, I needed time to cry. It was part of being true to myself, part of letting my real emotions show, and part of my coping process.

BUT, I'm done. I'm done feeling all alone in this big world, because the honest truth is, I'm not. I never was and I never will be. No matter how abandoned I feel at the moment, there is always the One who never leaves me. Man oh man am I thankful for that. 

He has a plan for everything. He has a plan for my friendships. He has a plan for my relationships. He has a plan for my family. And alas, He has a plan for me. 

So no more sulking about the bad in my life, it's just means I need to fill it with good. No more crying over things I can control, it just means I need to give it up to God. 

I choose joy.

I choose to be happy with what He has provided me and excited for what He has planned.

I choose to find the best in all situations.

I choose to give thanks for all that I have.

I choose to stay positive, even when it seems impossible.

I CHOOSE JOY

P.S. Sorry for those who I've been "bleh" to, especially Matthew, he always seems to get the worst of it. But thank you for being patient with me. 

Who's Your "Papa"?

So, I've been reading "The Shack" by William Young and even though I've read it about a million times before, it never fails to teach me something new each time. For those of you who haven't read it, I highly recommend it. AND if you don't want me to spoil half the book, you might want to go ahead and stop reading now.

The book is about a father who loses his daughter to a murder and is left with what he calls "The Great Sadness." He begins to question the existence and the purpose of God. He questions his whole "relationship" with Him. One day, he receives a note saying, "It's been a while. I've miss you. I'll be at the shack next weekend if you want to get together. -Papa." To give a little background; the shack was were they found the last trace of his daughter and determined that she had been murdered and Papa is what his wife calls God. Mack (the father) is so mad and confused, doesn't know if the note is from God, the murderer, or someone playing a sick joke on him, but he doesn't wait to find out and heads for the shack. At the shack, Mack has an amazing opportunity to meet God and start a REAL relationship with Him. 

What do you think of when you picture God in your head? Most, if not all, would probably say that He looks similar to an old gray grandpa. Mack even compares Him to Gandalf from "Lord of the Rings." Well, Mack is rightly surprised to see God as a big black lady named Elousia. The rest of the book is spent with Mack trying to understand more on God and realizes that he really had no idea.

This book has taught me some many things that I often I thought I knew the answer to, so I'll share some with you!

We are so fast to limit God, to say that He can only be THIS way, or THAT way. In reality, God can be however or whoever He wants. He can be an old grandpa to us, He can be a big black woman, or He could be a short Asian man. We SAY He is all powerful but we don't truly believe it or act as if it were true. 

We tend to blame God when something bad has happened to us. We cry out asking why He would let it happen to us. We often to think that God created bad as well as all the good, but that's not true. Bad is just simply the absence of good and ultimately, the absence of God. We choose to be apart from God and bad things happen.

We want God to fit into this perfect mold of forgiveness and this perfect mold of a stern God (only when we want revenge) and this perfect mold of whatever the hell we want. But WE ARE NOT GOD! We cannot make Him be whatever we "need" at that brief moment in our lives. 

Papa isn't always Gandalf, and He isn't always Elousia. Papa is who we need, not who we want.

Who do you make your "Papa" to be?

Our Guide to Holiness

Lately in my Life Group, we have been going through a book called "The Hole in Our Holiness" by Kevin Deyoung. It's all about how the church and christians are not only missing holiness, but always missing the strive for holiness. It's very convicting as you can imagine. 

Well last night's chapter was called "Reason for Redemption," which explained that we weren't just saved to glorify God or because He loved us (which are also true), we were saved to become holy, like Him. Now that's extremely convicting! So many of us, including myself, are so quick to become lazy in our walks just because we know we have God's grace. We tell ourselves that we don't really need to do anything because we are already forgiven. And it is such a reality shock that that is just not the case! 

One verse that Deyoung used in this chapter that really got to me was Hebrews 12:14: "Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord." (NIV) Oh man! That's scary stuff right there! "Without which no one will see the Lord." Holy Canoli! Without holiness and the strive to become more like Jesus, no one gets to the Lord. 

This makes you take a look at your own life and really think to yourself, "Do I have this drive? Am I gonna be enough?" And the fact of the matter is, NO, you alone are not holy enough to be with God. But when we were asked last night how this made us feel, I was at peace.

It was so very weird and it took me a while to figure out why this wasn't bothersome to me, but I figured it out. I was/am at peace because I know that I don't have to do this on my own. If this was a journey that I had to take on my own, I would be royally screwed. But God does not make us go through this on my own. Yes, it is still going to be hard. And yes, we are going to have to fight daily for our journey to holiness. But we have a guide who has already made it to the goal. In fact, He has always been the goal. 

So no, I'm not worried. I know where I will be in the end. No, this does not give me the right to be lazy and not work towards it. But this does mean that I am not alone. 

Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed. for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (NIV)